Two Months On…

April has nearly passed us by and gifted us a beautiful few weeks of Autumn, with sunny days and brilliant Autumn colours.

On the surface, life goes on much as always,busy working weeks and days off filled with a mixture of medical alarm work and spending time with family and friends. Easter was a ton of fun, with a drive to Alexandra to visit my sister. My brother and his family drove down too, so it was wonderful for us all to be together. I spent a particularly enjoyable Saturday primping my nieces for a wedding they were all off to that night. We did nails, eyes, faces, hair and by the end I was proud to be aunt to such a beautiful trio of young lasses. Sam, my nephew, seemed relieved not to be a girl after watching it all. I was also quite grateful to be doing this for my nieces and not to have had it on a repetitive basis with my own kids. As a mother of sons, it had agreeable novelty factor!

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I think of my trip and the people I left behind every day. I can’t seem to quite let go and I suppose the whole experience has just hit home on a subconscious level. I’m easily tired and every now and then rather emotional about the littlest thing. I have had to tell my poor boss I may need to go home early some days, for a while. Lack of sleep and nightmares do not help.

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I wonder if Chaps is the same. Neither of us seems to have got the post trauma support from our partner that we could have reasonably expected. Chaps’ wife is jealous of our friendship which I find interesting. For one thing, I am never going to be a threat, a white woman, much older, from NZ, with no desire to marry into a culture so foreign to me in a country I cannot live in. I doubt I’d even get a visa! Secondly, everyone else there found it natural we’d be such close friends after such an experience, so why is she getting wound up over nothing!? On top of all that, she must realise that one day he may take another wife, possibly more than one more. She has grown up knowing this, so will have to learn to rein in that green eyed monster. I find it very immature but perhaps that is a reflection of the lack of patience I seem guilty of at the moment. I just hope it works out for them.

I have had to part ways with my man too. Again, the green eyed monster reared its ugly head. I was really hurt by that, as I’d made every effort while away to keep him in the loop and contact him at any opportunity. He knew communication may not be easy from there and I always let him know my likely schedule. But somehow, without me right there all the time, he seemed to lose faith very fast. Very sad. I tried so hard to sort it out on my return but everything I said got twisted and turned back on me with no resemblance to the original statement. It was really unpleasant.Then shades of racism came out with attacks on my beautiful friends who had been so good to me, a stranger, without hesitation. I find any form of racism and cultural judgement really unattractive so that nailed the lid on the coffin. I do feel very sad and let down. Better to find out now than after a second trot down the aisle though! That’s life.

I didn’t even know if I should write about these aspects but they did derive from the whole experience, and have had a big impact on my recovery so are relevant, I think. Maybe someone else can learn from my experiences, and avoid the pitfalls somehow! If so, some good has come of sharing, perhaps.

I’ve had a wonderful time with my sons and other family too, over the Anzac weekend. It was good to see the boys together again. We all miss Matt! He’s turning into a regular jafa and took some ribbing while down here! I personally like the new look. He’s like a white Lali!!

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I am planning the next trip! Well, it’s pretty much organised already but I have just booked the flights to Vancouver. I’m going to Alaska with a friend later this year. Awesome. From Vancouver we go to Port Hardy for three days, then from Anchorage to Talkeetna and Fairbanks by train. From Fairbanks we go to Denali, Mt McKinley and Whittier.After that it’s a cruise from Anchorage to Vancouver. Looks amazing. It’ll be a totally different trip to my last, for sure!! If this boat sinks the water will be damned cold and I think we’ll just head for the bar til it’s over, lol!!

Africa again next year perhaps?!

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