1st March 2020
I haven’t written since leaving Momo.
No prizes for guessing why. She was a safe haven, a port in a storm that proved to be so much more, in the aftermath of losing my beautiful son, and Matt’s best friend and brother, Danny.
So I flew home courtesy of Hawaian Airlines, surrounded by a Kapahaka group speaking Te Reo and making me feel like I got a personalised escort home. By the time I reached Christchurch and family I was emotionally ready to face the memories I knew would push my buttons. And they have.
Tomorrow is my last day here. It’s hard to leave such wonderful family and friends down here, as it was hard to leave Momo, hard to leave France….. I seems to leave bits of me around the world, to be pieced together like some crazy human jigsaw puzzle, as I go round again.
I’ve been delicate today, prone to tears. It’s not rocket science. On Tuesday I go back to the home Matt, Danny and I had made for ourselves, built together, in Ohope. Part of that equation has been ripped from us, a third of the team stolen by selfish stupidity. I can’t dwell on that or the destroyer of peace, anger, will seep in. I don’t want that. Danny wouldn’t want me to let that dominate. I won’t. But some days, fuck it’s hard.
I miss him so much. I miss both my darling boys but Matt and I are here and must soldier on. And we will. Just without our wingman. It’s a bit hinky, but I talked to Bernie today, and he said the whales haven’t hung round the boat since I left. Maybe Danny really was there in spirit. Brett said his spirit animal was the whale. Maybe they’ll be off Ohope Beach when I get there.
I was going to add photos but WordPress have changed the format and I can’t work it out. WhyTF must they change what works already? Not helpful.
Edit: The only way I’ve discovered how to add photos now, is an eight step process for every single picture. How stupid is that.