A Future Always Less

Bernie asked me this morning (25 May) if I had progressed at all in deciding what I am doing next. The short answer is No. I very much want to run back to Momo. I’d give a lot to see her cheerful profile out in the harbour, to be hauling myself out of the tender aboard. It’s too easy to want to hide behind Bernie’s tranquil good nature, his calm lack of judgement.

At some point, however, I have to face real life again, get paid work. So I’m treading water. Let’s not forget how good I am at that! I will do the last bits and pieces for Danny’s estate, sort out some house stuff, and apply for boat jobs meanwhile. I’m getting my “Danny tattoo” soon and must renew my marine medical. Once these jobs are done I’ll have to make a decision. It’s a bit hard on Bernie but as usual he’s being undemanding and patient with me.

June 15th 2020

Where is the time going? Guess what, I’m still treading water. Well, not totally, I’m going forward at a slow crawl, one might say. I’ve renewed my ENG1 and got my “Danny tattoo”, which I’m thrilled with. Tristan did a wonderful job of coordinating Danny’s design with mine.

I’m in Ohope sorting out new tenants for our house. Matt and I are a heart beat away from having sorted out Carly, thank god. What a nightmare that’s been, on top of everything else. Ohope is wonderful as always, so good for the spirit. I do feel close to Danny here. He loved it so much.

I have a lovely Canadian, Allan, staying with me at present. It’s nice to have company and he’s a hard worker. Brett, too, has spent time here and helped me do a few of the jobs Danny had been going to do! On Saturday (13th June) we took out two dead trees. I played with the boys’ electric chain saw. Lots of fun, though I’ve rediscovered a few muscles!

On the job front, I’m waiting to discuss a potential position for a two year contract with the yachts owner /captain. She sounds a really lovely lady so I’m optimistic. The only down side for me would be forgoing doing the crossing with Bernie. That’s actually messing with my head because I badly want to do that. But with Danny’s death and then bloody Covid-19, I haven’t worked for 8 months, in paid employment. Normally I’d do a seasonal job, finish September /October and then be able to join Bernie for the crossing. But jobs are scarce and the season is fucked up. This job doesn’t start till September, nearly the usual end of the season! Argh!

Bernie is being wonderful about it, though realistic. He needs me to commit one way or the other so he can find someone else. So once I have the full information, I’ll talk to the whanau and decide.

The girl who killed Danny, Hope Wilson, is required to attend a Family Group Conference with us this Thursday (18th June). I’m nervous but feel I need to face her and make her realise what she’s cost us, how much less our lives will be without Danny. I just hope (it pisses me off so much that’s her name) I don’t lose control and throttle the bitch. Hats off to all those people who say they “forgive” the person who murders their loved one. But I call bullshit. I don’t feel that way. I think I’ll be able to do this and move past it but I’m damned if I forgive her. If it was an accident, then yes, but it wasn’t. She had broken so many laws so many times and knew full well she was putting others at risk. I wish she’d died, not Danny. I refuse to be ashamed of my feelings. My son was a good person. She is not. So I’ll get up and tell her what she’s done and she can listen, like it or not. I’ll show her Danny’s brother having to say goodbye at his best mates funeral, I’ll make her listen to Danny and my song, while watching photos of him scroll through. Fuck her.

I should probably stop!